ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously