Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
You Might Also Like
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Current mood: Potato
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living