•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
DOOO EEEET
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The glory of fall.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake