Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ