Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.