My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
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When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
6: are snakes just neck?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.