little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.