I’m aging like a fine banana
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.