Everyone is awful in their own special way.
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
thanksgiving in nutshell
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
sliding into dms like
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I hate everything
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.