My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have