I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Whoa 😂
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture