Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*