One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
You Might Also Like
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever