Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?