[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”