Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
ATMs should have breathalyzers
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
They grow up so quick
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Brb my Sims are getting married
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck