Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The symmetry is uncanny.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
i like to flex on them by shrugging