[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
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Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I wish I were this cool 😂
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Worst perfume name ever.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.