doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
are there any atheist mantises?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.