[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?