I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
New comic up. “Ransom”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.