*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
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My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
pelicons
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?