Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it