KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???