i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
goldfish mafia
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.