Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Oh. My. God.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
What my back needs
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.