My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.