I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
You Might Also Like
cats when you pet them too long:
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.