[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Tastes like chicken.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya