Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Facebook marketplace is a different world