When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Super Hand Dog Face
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge