I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
You Might Also Like
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
For the ones in the back.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.