I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
He-man has a Masters degree
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday