I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
What a website
They’re the worst 😩
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly