Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN