Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please