ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight