Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
The French cow says MEUX…
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
#Caturday
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol