ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.