Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
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Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.