I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
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A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”