[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.