starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?