When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
You Might Also Like
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Hell yeah 👍
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog