Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building