There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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