Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Every work call, he judges.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.