T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.