Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I know
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Not messing around
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles