“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
You Might Also Like
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it鈥檚 called an ice cube
[at work]
me in my 20鈥檚: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don鈥檛 eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
they should make stand up horror. i鈥檓 tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 馃槱馃槏馃槏馃槏
Realtor: I鈥檓 sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it鈥檚 oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it鈥檚 ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don鈥檛 you hate this?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
馃檨
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.